Photo- Two of my former colleagues at Waikato Uni (New Zealand) conversing. Jenine (l) certainly appears to be practicing active listening.
Are you one of those people who talks so much that others can't to get their point across in a conversation? Is your partner talking to you but you cant honestly say that you are really listening? Are you having a dicussion but you are not really digesting what the other person is saying because you just can't wait for your turn to speak again? I am sure you already know that this is poor conversation etiquette and a non-strategy of effective communication. Poor listening skills is at the root of many conflicts and problems within relationships and in society. If you display an unwillingness to listen and prefer only to hear yourself speak, people will eventually stop listening to YOU, quit talking to you, because - face it - it is a pain to talk to people who don't listen!
Developing proper listening skills is not only for the psychologist whose job it is to hear people out but you would be amazed how your job (no matter what that job is) and your relationships will improve once you begin to acknowledge the voices and opinions of others and giving them a chance to say their piece. For those taking seminars and participating in meetings, active listening is also a vital component of success and efefctiveness. Here are ten ways in which you can become more fully engaged in your life and work and be appreciated by everyone with whome you speak. These summary points have come from a plethora of communication texts that I have come across over time, and my own experience as a communications specialist and trainer:
1. STOP TALKING - One cannot listen while talking. The need to talk while someone else is talking is just poor manners, and no one can possibly hear the other if both are talking at once.
2. PUT THE SPEAKER AT EASE - Break the ice, make people comfortable to converse with you. Only actively listening to your point of view without judgement or impatience can accomplish this. Their language skills may not be on par with yourd but do exercise patience and allow them to feel at ease enough to speak in thir own language and manner, whatever that maybe.
3. SHOW A SPEAKER THAT YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO HIS/HER WORDS AND ACTUALLY LISTEN - This is similar to the point above. It means demonstrating to the speaker through eye contact, not doing other things while the person is speaking; not seeming disinterested etc - that you are fully engaged with what they are saying and you really want to know. This is also relevant to parents with children and nurses with the sick. Most times people merely want to be acknowledged.
4. REMOVE DISTRACTION AND FOCUS ON THE SPEAKER - People lead busy lives and with modern technology, they are talking on the go, and multitasking. It is better to postpone a conversation to a time when you can be fully committed to it than merely say 'ehmm ehhm" and you are not in fact listening. It is discourteous and does not illustrate respect for the speaker or their point of view.
5. SHOW EMPATHY FOR THE SPEAKER'S POINT OF VIEW - Listening is not the same as hearing, so unless you are deaf, we know you are hearing. But are you empathetic to the person's perspective? This is the essence of active listening, being able to fully appreciate the person's point of view without judgement even if you disagree. Empathy does not mean you feign agreement. It means you are fully engaged with the sets of values, motivations and emotions that may lead this person to this point of view. If you cannot fully appreciate where they are coming from, they will not appreciate your objection or disagreement if you have one. Active lsitening, in this sense, fosters mutual understanding.
6. BE PATIENT, ALLOW THE SPEAKER TIME WITHOUT INTERRUPTION - This is the hardest part I know. I too am guilty of interrupting. This techniques requires enormous patience and discipline. Sometimes, the person speaking is making a point and we do not want to forget so we butt in. We also get the point they ahve made but they persist to make it again as if repeating the point will have some further impact on is, so we interrupt to make our point. This leads to argumentation and debate rather than discussion. Active listening requires that you demonstrate patience and allow the speaker to complete his or her point before you continue. There are at times natural breaks in people's speech that will allow for interruption without seeing impatient or disrespectful.
7. HOLD ONE'S TEMPER, DONT LET EMOTIONS INTERFERE WITH ACTIVE LISTENING - Ok, there are sometime heated conversations and controversial issues and topics which derails our ability to actively listen. This is the point where active listening is even more crucual. Exercise patience, do not blow a gasket and do not let your emotions register on your face. Calmly listen to the point of view. I had the occasion once of watching a TV interview on TVone in New Zealand where a close friend, Editor of the Waikato Times, was a participant. I could see that the nature of the discussion had one of the panelists enraged. Yet Bryce maintain such composure I was impressed. I later asked him how did he manage to listen through all that without interruption or obvious distress. He remarked that he was seething beneath but used the time to craft his own responses and rebuttals to the points made. That is discipline and requires concerted effort to get there, but I think my point is well-made.
8. BE GENTLE WHEN ARGUING OR CRITICISING - If one is able to listen patiently and empathetically to an individual's point of view, in conversation, discussion or debate, then the need to give an angry response is less. Criticism and argumentation is inescapable in everyday living. But part of effective communication is to be able to offer criticism in a way which maintains the relationship, and to have an argument without sounding the death-knell to a friendship or professional relationship. Some people hate confrontation so they dont argue or criticise at all. This is sheer weakness and is not a resolution for the challenges we face in living and operating together. Many times, life requires us to offer our view and to engage in fierce debates. The challenge is to do so respectfully and with professionalism.
9. ASK QUESTIONS - This is the most obvious way of showing that you are listening. And please, be genuinely interested. Do not feign interest - I repeat. I often tell my journalism students that the best interviews are those when the host is genuinely interested in the story being told to them by the interviewee. Oprah is my all time favourite example. Part of her success is that genuine interest in people and their story and their lives. Same if you are on a date, listen and ask questions about people. Again, people just want to be acknowledged and to feel important. Asking questions sjows that you are not only listening but you are empathetic, engaging fully in the time and space of teh conversation and interested in the person.
10. ALWAY REMEMBER THAT ONE HAS TWO EARS AND ONLY ONE MOUTH - A wise person came up with that. I read it somewhere. This requires little explanation but suffice it to say f you have two ears and one mouth, you are naturally meant to speak less and listen more. So take on the challenge. I guarantee that your effectiveness as a communicator will reach stratospheric levels.
No comments:
Post a Comment